The Pork Knight
by DarthOblivious
Summary: Bruce's original idea for fighting crime wasn't Batman. It was a bit more ... boarish.


Disclaimer: I am not the owner of Batman. That would be DC Comics and Warner Brothers. This is a nonprofit work which I hope someone enjoys.

It's a dark, stormy night in Gotham City as two figures come out the back entrance of an electronic store carrying a sixty inch television. The rain pours down upon these two men as they load the television into a van they have parked nearby. After they finish the strenuous task, they turn to reenter the electronic establishment.

"I'm sure glad the cops are so inept in this damned city." The first says to his partner as they are walking.

"I know. It's like taking sugary sustenance from a prepubescent child." The other responded.

Just as the two criminals are going through the door, a shadow moves across the rooftop. The two men look around before deciding to take another television, fifty inches this time. As they are exiting, a dark porcine figure silently lands in front of them. The two men, fearful for their lives, take a couple steps back and drop the television.

"What the hell are you?!" one of the men fearfully exclaims. The figures response chills the criminals to their very bones.

"I am vengeance. I am the boar. I am Pigman!" he says in a soul shattering, gravelly voice before beating the criminal scum into unconsciousness. The Pork Knight then uses his grappling hook to fly up to the rooftops and melt into the shadows, leaving the two unconscious forms for the inept police force of Gotham City to find.

"No Master Wayne."

PIGMAN!

"What do you mean no, Alfred?" Bruce Wayne asked his trusted butler, Alfred Pennyworth.

"You are not going to go running around the city at night dressed as a pig." The butler replied.

"Well, why not? I don't see anything wrong with it." The billionaire inquired.

"Are you being serious with me Bruce? I truly hope you merely jesting."

"I have never been more serious about anything in my life."

"Dear Lord. What the bloody hell is wrong with you boy?"

"My parents were gunned down in front of me by a madman wielding a pistol and I swore vengeance upon the underbelly of Gotham City. They took my family from me and in response I will take everything from them." Bruce responded to the British butler. "You should already know this Alfred, as you did agree to help me. You're not going senile on me are you, old chum?"

"I most certainly am not, Master Bruce." Came the indignant response from Alfred.

"Then what exactly is your problem?" Bruce asked with a confused look upon his face.

"I may have reluctantly agreed to help you on your insane quest for vengeance, but your father would never forgive me if I allowed you to go around where people could see you while dressed as bacon." Alfred stated in a most exasperated voice while looking at Bruce as if he were an idiot.

"What is your exact problem with Pigman?"

"You'll look like a moron, and no one will be intimidated by a grown man dressed as a pig."

"That is where you're wrong Alfred." Bruce responded. "I will make them fear the pig."

"No."

"I will too."

"Bruce, no one is afraid of pigs."

"I am." Bruce states in a deadpanned voice. "I have been ever since my fourth grade field trip the McCredie's Farm on the outskirts of Gotham. I never told you about falling into that pigpen. Harvey and I were fooling around by the pen. He had me in a headlock, so I stomped on his foot and he pushed me backwards in response. I hit the fence and flipped over it into the pigpen. The pigs were everywhere I looked. All of this pink flesh. It was terrifying. I want nothing more than to force my fears on the criminal scum of the Gotham underworld."

"Can't you at least pick something a little more impressive? You're afraid of bats as well. Why don't you dress up as a giant bat?" Alfred inquired.

"I mean bats are pretty scary, but they're not pigs."

"No. No they're not, but I believe they would work better. You could dress in black instead pink. At the very least, that would help with being stealthy while you act like crazy person every night."

"I guess I would be a bit stealthier in black."

"They may also mistake you for a vampire. That may help you intimidate those you wish to interrogate."

"Vampires are pretty scary."

"Exactly, Master Bruce. Shall I get started on the bat suit?"

"I suppose so, Alfred. I was really looking forward to being Pigman though." Bruce said in a slightly dejected voice. "I'll have to scrap my plans for a Pigmobile." He added as he walked away from Alfred and down one of the many hallways within Wayne Manor.

Thus, thanks to Alfred Pennyworth, the world never heard the legend of the Pork Knight.


End file.
